The Layers of Friendship Through Music
- A. Carolina Vargas
- Jul 30
- 12 min read
It seems that as a society we have tacitly agreed that when we talk about someone or are introducing them to someone, we must call them a friend. However, I believe there is a tension between those we call friends and those we consider as such. We have created a category so broad that it has lost much of its original meaning. People have more friends than ever (and even more so in these times of social media where a mutual follower is classified as a friend) while at the same time feeling very lonely.
Why am I talking about the philosophy of friendship in a music magazine? It turns out that, according to the United Nations, July 30th is the International Day of Friendship. Taking advantage of the occasion, we are going to travel a bit through the sound and lyrics of some musical works to justify this short essay on why we call so many people friends while at the same time feeling that no one is really there.
After a couple of personal opinions, I will invite you to navigate with me through a sea of artists to try and understand different visions of what friendship is (although I am sure we could make an entire magazine on this topic, we will only use a few cases). Let's think out loud while discovering new songs.
Friendship is an ambiguous concept
Going back to the etymology, "amigo" (friend) derives from the Latin "amare" and comes from the also Latin "amicus" (which means beloved or the one who loves). In this line of thinking, it is inevitable to ask ourselves if we truly love those to whom we are granting that label. In our era, many refer to their colleagues, peers, neighbors, acquaintances, or work team as friends, and many others tend to qualify this action as "unselective" or "superfluous." But it is here that we realize our tendency to "befriend" everyone could also be explained by the fear of hurting. And if we are afraid of hurting our fellow human beings, perhaps we do love them...
The problem, then, does not lie in calling someone a friend, but in the lack of less "harsh" options to refer to someone we see every day and like, but with whom we don't yet have trust, or with whom we coexist and enjoy but whom we wouldn't call in the middle of an emotional crisis, or that person you see every day in the building near where you work who says hello to you but doesn't know your name. Neighbor, acquaintance, confidant, ally, partner, etc., can be both precise and cold options. We wouldn't like to call the young woman who lent us money for a coffee or accompanied us to the bus stop a "colleague," because that would be putting her in the same bag as the guy who works on our same floor but with whom we've never exchanged a word. The human mania to categorize everything exists because we have the need to minimize the risk of misunderstandings, which is curious, because surely those words we fear using today could have arisen to be used as a "smaller" scale alternative to friend. And that wasn't enough.
Let's start talking about music by taking works that match the traditional definition of the word. "Lean on me" by Bill Withers, or "Count on me" by Bruno Mars, evoke that basic notion of friendship we all have based on unconditionality and complicity. "You’re my best friend", by Queen, is too literal and yet captures what goes through our minds on our cheesiest days: friends are a refuge, a safe place.
“You make me live, I’ve been wandering around but still come back to you”
And in Latin America we also have similar feelings. "Amigos", by Juanes, says “In the moments when I've been bad, they've taken care of making me well, completely unconditional, they have accompanied me in my solitude." And a homonymous track by Enanitos Verdes turns people into lights shining in the dark, fusing the poetic with the mundane. A friend generates happiness without doing much, reminding you that everything will be fine with their mere existence.
From other perspectives, the relationship between friends does not have to be deeply profound or philosophical, but has its basis in having a good time and having fun, like "Tongue Tied" by Grouplove: it talks about the desire to "go out" and do anything, putting worries aside and being with other people having fun all the time - both the lyrics, the voice, and the instrumentation convey the relaxed vibe of what in Colombia would be called "parchar" (hang out) and "recochar" (being chaotic while having fun).
"Me & My Girls" by Selena Gomez, with a mix of languages under an energetic and fun rhythm, declares that everything is achieved with girlfriends and that you don't need a man, but your people. "Back on you" by Djo invites us to appreciate the one who supported us in sad times, became a home, and offered trust. These two concepts are not mutually exclusive: you can party with someone and then cry together in the bathroom.
And to reinforce this last idea, let's analyze "Guys" by The 1975, starting from the idea that friends are those you miss and whose significance you didn't fully realize at the time. The narrative turns everyday memories like holding hands, starting a band, sharing an apartment, traveling to Japan together, etc., into proof that sometimes a person is the best thing that has ever happened to you in your life. With a more sentimental lyric and rhythm, the band shows us that the love of our life can also be a fraternal and simple experience.
¿So, who is a friend?
Consciously or unconsciously, we have mental structures and hierarchies. It's not that we love some more than others per se, but that human relationships are so complex that each individual experience with a person is unrepeatable. There are people we see every day at school and smile at timidly, people to whom we tell our sorrows but who don't know where we live, people to whom we entrust our past without knowing if they will be in our future, others who brighten our day with a simple greeting. Perhaps some of us have hearts big enough to say with certainty "yes, I love all of them and I will indeed continue calling them friends," while others might feel confused right now and rethink their entire social circle and its dynamics.
To me, we are all capable of having as many friends as we want. We should be careful regarding who we give that status to, as it is a label that very specific people deserve; but knowing how humans are, we will avoid ontological questions regarding friendship and simply keep going out for a drink with the usual crowd. Call them friend, colleague, pal, twin, bestie, parcero, llave, cuate, companion, neighbor, co-disciple... but surround yourself with people who make you feel loved and who spark the impulse in you to love.
As I said before, for many people words can remain superficial. That's why "Chosen Family", by Rina Sawayama and Elton Johnuses a concept referring to people with whom we don't share blood but who become a refuge, a partner in experiences, and a vessel of unconditional and inexplicable love. "With a little help from my friends", by The Beatles represents the idea that sometimes what we are looking for is a support network with whom we can be chaotic. The phrase "I want somebody to love" summarizes what the English band thought, coinciding with the etymology.
Some believe friends should last forever, others that they exist for seasons, and sometimes we simply drift apart because we have become versions of ourselves that are no longer compatible. "Ribs" by Lorde and "Stressed Out" by Twenty One Pilots explore nostalgia for youth friendships and the fear of transitioning into adulthood, only the former does it from the fear of what's coming and the latter focuses on missing the old days. When we are little it seems easy to share secrets, jokes, and dreams, but we tend to associate growing up with everything becoming lonely and dark, concluding - probably erroneously - that friendship is a phenomenon exclusive to children and difficult to generate as adults. "Die with my Friends", y Lindsey Lomis captures the yearning to always be with those who understand us better than anyone else. Personally, I see it as a response to the typical mom saying "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?", as it evokes a super specific feeling of wanting to be with someone even in the afterlife.
Pieces like "Space Between" by Kylie Cantrall capture to perfection that sharp pain when a best friend betrays you for a boy, a grief as deep as the one conveyed by "Backstabber" by Kesha. Many will have experienced the full grief of letting go of a friendship that disappointed them, understanding that sometimes we love people who no longer do us good. The most curious thing is the irony with the homonymous song from Descendants 2 —even more knowing that Kylie herself is now the new protagonist of the saga— where the concept of "space" takes a total twist to say the opposite: that even with distances between us, you will always find me and I will be there for you.
Relationships (ft. Philosophy)
And suddenly an acid thought pierces your chest: "Why do I say I have a friendship with all these people if I feel like no other person would be there for me?" The trendy Korean philosopher Byung-Chul Han alluded to the fact that in the digital era, "friends" do not play the role of an interlocutor, but rather of a "validator" or consumer feeding our ego; he also spoke about the lack of time for the other and how genuine, strong relationships are built only with the time of the other. Here everything starts to make sense and aligns with some people on TikTok and Instagram who argue that we no longer live life with our friends, but instead recount it to them. To be clearer, that phrase alludes to how past generations went out to different places to simply exist in an improvised way, but now the usual thing is to make an appointment with the person to catch up and also have a good time.
What would a classic say? Within collective memory, Aristotle argued that a friend was not someone who occupies a space in your life, but the one who holds you when everything changes; in the Nicomachean Ethics, this same thinker stated that friendship is the most necessary thing for life because no one wants to live without it. On the other hand, in the 19th century, Max Weber (signature sociologist of the action paradigm) pointed out that a relationship does not imply that the two or more agents have the exact same expectations and therefore do not assign the same meaning to the relationship; each acts based on what they expect the other to do. That is why so often there are dissonances with friends and we feel they don't love us just because they don't do the same things we do.
In "My Blood" also by Twenty One Pilots) we can see Aristotle's definition from another reference point, as they say "I will go ahead and hold you together." We have cited many artists who refer to someone else and thank them for what they do, but here we encounter a first-person perspective; that is, the lyrics offer loyalty and protection. The friend also dwells within us, it's not about "whoever helps me is my friend," but rather "I help whoever is my friend": it is not about receiving, but about deciding from ethics.
If you are from Hispanic America, at least once in your life you have heard a gem released in 1977 by Roberto Carlos. "Amigo" elevates a man who offers respect, affection, and support to the author. It is as if Aristotle adapted to the 20th century, because the production paints friends as those who remain by our side unmoving and immutable, but always guided by sincerity. "You tell me truths so great with open phrases" shows that sometimes the one who loves us also dares to say things we wouldn't want to hear in order to correct us.
Not even philosophers have a clear answer to what a friend is or isn't. Truth be told, we may all seek different things from our mental definition of a friend. Even being aware that our buddies are crazy, we choose to stay there, like Foster The People in "I love my friends":
“They don’t do any favors […] they got not money, cause they’re dumb and reckless […] we got each others, don’t need no others”
And sometimes, precisely that feeling of unbridled madness is what makes us say "this is my people," like in the framing of "We are Young", by f.u.n., where the adrenaline of the party of life is juxtaposed with the care and protection of one's neighbor in the midst of disorder: friends, especially when young, get drunk and consume substances together, but they also walk each other home and take care of each other more than anything because that is all they have.
Speaking of ambiguity, let's see "Found my friends" by Hailey Kiyok, as it could have two perspectives: one where we take the lyrics from disorientation and loneliness that are cured when the protagonist finds her friends, and another where she feels heartbroken, misunderstood, and in crisis even when she is with those she calls "friends."
More than one person has stayed by people who don't fully understand them just to belong or because they haven't experienced what a healthy bond is.
Music as the universal language of feelings
Little by little I will return to ideas touched on earlier, starting with the complexity of language and the multiple interpretations a single word, and therefore sentences, has. Recently, the distinction between platonic and romantic love has gained strength; one referring to deep bonds based on admiration, affection, and complicity where for various reasons it is not possible to be a couple [usually when there is simply no attraction] and another where there is exclusivity, passion, and desire.
There are many songs that can easily speak of a couple or an intimate friendship, here I address a few:
Forever you and me (The Teskey Brothers): talks about always returning to the same person regardless of time or changes, which could be taken as a couple's relationship, but there are verses talking about spending a lifetime together or needing each other and that applies to various bonds. Choice and codependency are present in both types of relationships.
Far (Eva Pagán): reiterates the idea of staying together, hugging in difficult times, traveling long distances just to see each other, existing in the kitchen... The premise in this piece is that you will never feel far from that special person because it is a bond that transcends all kinds of barriers. It can easily be dedicated to a partner, but what if you find your beloved in a friend? Double prize!
Umbrella (Rihanna... with a special cameo for you to laugh a bit): is a classic in friendship songs, posing that beyond cheering or appreciating someone, we have the conviction that together we are stronger. Material goods, time, or weather do not matter. The metaphor of "now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other, you can stand under my umbrella" works to represent how a friend is willing to give you their whole heart and keep a seat for you at every table.
A mi lado (Mari Angarita): talks about that fear of tomorrow and of the person you love no longer being there, inviting us to make the most of the time we share ("today that I have you by my side, I will take your hand to go for a walk [...] it is the today with you that I want to remember"). It is a perfect reminder that can be dedicated to any loved one: family, friends, partners, or even pets.
There are relationships that hurt, others that heal, but there is a particular type of friendship: when you platonically and romantically love someone. Some cases are "Best Friend" by Laufey and "Still Into You" by Paramore (when it goes well) or "FRIENDS" by Marshmello and Anne-Marie or "Amiga Mía" by Alejandro Sanz (when it goes wrong). Humans are imperfect and therefore our relationships are too, "Flying Solo" by Julie and The Phantoms is an example of how much we miss an adventure companion and how, despite our mistakes, we will try to fix it over and over again. With other visions, like Paul McCartney's in "Here Today", friendship transcends death, differences, fights, and the mistakes we make from our human nature, all in the name of love, nights together, and the joy of sharing. "0325", by Stray Kids conveys a perspective of friendship from companionship, mutual support and motivation, and the shared path, with its bridge:
“Can you stay right with me? ‘Cause we gonna do it together! […] You know we go up, up, we don’t stop”
The Jackson 5 transmitted hope, support, strength, and mutual protection in the verses of the soft song "I’ll be there". Hombres G, in "Mis amigos", make an ode to the figure when your heart is broken and how they help you breathe when you hit rock bottom, as well as Ashley Singh with "You got Friends" (a verse literally says “you are loved”, matching the etymology discussed at the beginning), which adds a scene where even if your friends don't quite know how to help you, they will listen to you all night.
Along the same lines of need and trust comes "My best friend" by Weezer, an alternative that rescues venting and the repairing effect. They portray the friend as a heart band-aid, an antidote for ills. It's not the one who entertains the most or does the most, but the one who stands firm and makes you truly happy, even when you've been a fool to him or her.
A friend is…
We could discuss a thousand more perspectives and perhaps still not know when a person starts or stops being your friend. It is a fact that companionship, laughter, shared tears, silent pain, and shared reflections bring us closer to the concept while also moving away from what the soul wants to express. Although we all have different criteria to determine who fits under the label of friendship, it is clear that we all need to have someone to love and to love us back. All these songs (and the ones left out) have a common equation: sharing and feeling.
Celebrate your friends and take the opportunity to discover new music, just as I did when building this short piece. I appreciate the help of my life-long friends and Frontlight collaborators, because I was able to incorporate nearly 30 songs I didn't know that enriched the angle of this text. You never know when you'll need the playlist of the person next to you!
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